They were friends of mine. A couple in their forties, with a wonderful teenager. Both are professionals and from a similar socio-economic and cultural background. She is still my friend.
When I used to see them banter with easy camaraderie with each other and with members of their extended family, I could not help but feel a twinge of envy. Despite being expats, they had close ties with their family overseas. Then like all good things, their marriage came to an end. It was not infidelity, addiction or a crisis that upended their relationship, but a breakdown in communication.
That opened a pandoras box of differences in personalities that had been glossed over for the last twenty years of their marriage. What was once a matter of complementary strengths, became points of contention. Power struggle and conflicting values due to finances further widened the chasm, and the pandemic was the spark that lit the pyre.
They decided to separate. As a mutual friend, I was torn in between. I am fond of both and hated to see what they were subjecting each other to. When I was a counselor at a school, I had many staff members and an occasional parent walking into my office with marital issues. In such cases I would direct them to the right services and sit back to provide a listening ear to someone in emotional pain. This was different. I knew both and they had been my pillar of support when I was going through personal trauma.
Counselling failed and matters were getting ugly. The lockdown added stress to both parties. I could not just sit back and do nothing. It was then I suggested mediation. It seemed a relatively simple case. The teenager had turned 18, so there was no custody. All joint properties were in one city, and financial assets were in joint name. If these were to be divided, both were free to start afresh.
The mediator is a banking professional, respected by both parties. Though known to both, he was not connected emotionally. It took him several days of painstaking pre-mediation to work out the nitty gritty of their assets. Luckily, there were no major liabilities other than a mortgage and tertiary education expenses of their child.
The mediation took two full days. Their talks were fraught with emotional baggage of two decades. The grievances took a form of accusations back and forth. In the end, they reached a resolution and were able to file for a divorce.
Humans are by and large reasonable unless it is a matter of love or money. Once love walks out of the door, money follows. Infidelity, addiction, and financial issues are the three main reasons for a couple filing for a divorce. Some other reasons are lack of communication and love. Whatever the reason maybe, divorce is inextricably linked to financial separation, which is a separation or arrangement of assets (bank balance, property etc.) and liabilities (loans, future commitments towards spousal support etc.).
If the couple have decided to separate, whether legally or disengage with each other, the topic of money or the lack of it cannot be avoided. It is exceedingly rare that one spouse gives in totally to the other and just wants the marriage to be over and done with. Even in those cases the court may rule otherwise and may pass a verdict where there is some binding factor involving money.
It is during times of financial negotiations, unless there is an iron clad pre or post nuptial in place, or you belong to the cadre of Gates and Bezos, that clashing couples are brought to maximum grief. One thing to remember that money talk is rarely a matter of plus and minus. There is a whole range of emotions involved. In many cases, there may be factors that bind them and will continue post-divorce. They may have let love disappear but will not let go of money.
Financial separation via mediation maybe the salve that takes away some of the sting and eases the couple into what is probably a very traumatic period in life. A trained mediator, unlike a judge or an adjudicator has the bandwidth to consider the emotional factors. Unlike a counsellor who stays with the emotions, a mediator has the freedom to nudge the parties on to topics of dollars and cents without ignoring the emotions entirely.
Court cases are long and arduous, not to mention awfully expensive. Each time the couple are faced with each other or leave the matters entirely in the hands of their lawyers, they feel powerless. This is exacerbated if there is an imbalance of power.
With mediation, there is a degree of control over their emotions and the outcome, where both parties are accorded equal respect and have a say in the matter. Sorting out money matters via a mediator may be the next step after counselling and negotiations have failed. The couple may still have to file for a divorce depending on the jurisdiction, but the pain is significantly numbed if the financial matters have been sifted through.
In the case of my friends, they have been able to file for a divorce with mutual consent and no contest. A box of cupcakes was gifted by one party and the other party sent flowers to the mediator, who happens to be my husband. He has now become friends with both. What are the odds of this happening to a lawyer? Under the circumstances it is the best possible solution. This may be a possible solution for many couples on the cusp of separation.
Article written by:
Smitha Venkatesh
Sage Accredited Mediator
